Woman – armed with long hair to twirl, eyelashes to bat and breasts to deploy as distraction – she is a powerful seductress with the ability to give and take pleasure at her will. Women are sexy, and surprise surprise: women like sex.
But sex for a woman is not always mind blowing. Especially for those of us having sex with men, the two genders often have different ideas about how to shimmy under the sheets so it’s enjoyable for everyone.
This list below might sound really naggy, and it is just a list of complaints to be perfectly honest. But before the keyboard warriors launch an attack – just know that sex is a mutual act, an intimate union between people that is supposed to be pleasurable for all parties involved.
We’re not our primal, pre-evolved selves where cavemen banged cavewomen as necessity for the survival of the species. I’d like to say we’re now a far cry from our animalistic ancestors. But contemporary women are also not 1950’s housewife types anymore, nor are we likely to be acting like porn stars. These things seem obvious, but funnily enough, many men are still deluded by certain images of women that impact how things go down in the bedroom.
So let’s get to the good stuff. Looking into the far reaching corners of the internet, we’ve come up with a tidy list of 10 things women hate men doing during sex:
1. Expecting sex to be just like porn
Just because every porn star is hair-free, wearing lingerie under her teacher uniform and ready to go as soon as you say “I’m here to deliver your hot and spicy pizza”, it doesn’t mean we all are. Porn sex is not like real sex. Most women find it hard to contort their limbs into freaky positions and don’t really enjoy “stuff” in their eyelashes, if you know what I mean.
2. Pushing her head down
This is a little degrading and just bad manners. Some women like it like that, sure, but a woman is usually going to feel a little bit uncomfortable to have her head physically “persuaded” towards a crotch. Fellatio is a woman taking control of the man, so interfering with power play kind of ruins the joy of it for her. No-one likes to feel forced into doing anything, so just be a good human and whisper a suggestion instead.
3. When the guy just stops even though the woman hasn’t orgasmed
Erm, does the world revolve around you? It’s like leaving her hanging for a high five. Not cool man, not cool.
4. Heading straight down south
First of all: applause to the men who know what and where a clitoris is. This is a woman’s greatest point of sexual stimulus because it has a very dense nerve network. Well-intentioned men will beeline for the clitoris to please her right away. But just remember that it is very sensitive, and it might feel a little uncomfortably abrupt for her. Better to tease the area around there first. Foreplay, people.
5. Being too aggressive to our delicate areas
Again, the clitoris is super sensitive, so don’t handle it like you would a game controller. Same goes for breasts. Being accidentally punched in the boob can be as painful as it is to be kicked in the nuts, so don’t go about aggressively grabbing at them like you’re about to milk a cow dry. And please be careful with nipples.
6. Not taking protection seriously
Especially with new partners, it’s a real shi**y move to diss condoms. No-one wants an unwanted pregnancy, and no-one wants gonorrhoea. When you’ve just started sleeping together it’s kind of negligent not to ask if she’s on the pill, but worse for men to whine about condoms not feeling good or even secretly remove them (it’s called stealthing and it’s not OK).
7. When he whips his wand out too early without foreplay
You could be kissing literally for 10 seconds and he thinks now’s the time to take his tallywacker out of his trousers. Women need more time to warm up before intentions of intercourse can proceed.
8. Being verbally obnoxious
Don’t get me wrong: girls love a confident, charming man with good banter. But talking yourself up by boasting about how huge your shlong is or how good you are in bed before you get there is a massive turn off.
Dirty talk while you’re doing the deed is also fine, but don’t spring a really nasty phrase on her out of the blue. Also, commanding something like “Strip for me” can be sexy, but usually makes women feel a little pressured and awkward. If she actually does pull off an on-demand striptease, don’t be mean when she trips out of her jeans or bursts out with laughter.
9. No post-coital affection
Jumping straight off the bed after you’re done will probably put unreasonable thoughts in your woman’s head that she’s a insufferably revolting creature. Of course, both of you will want to clean yourselves up after sex, but just stay for half a minute to nuzzle each other, look into each others eyes and pant.
10. Playing dead fish when she’s on top
Men probably complain about this too, so just keep that in mind next time she’s assumed the position of cowgirl (or reverse) and you’re lying there like a mechanical bull that hasn’t been switched on. It’ll make her feel a little self-conscious and directionless, when all she really needs is a responsive partner to encourage her. Lift your arms for Pete’s sake and touch her body a little.
All we really want is a generous, genuine and caring lover who we can have fun with. Most of these things just speak to our general distaste of men who can seem obnoxious, self-centred and disillusioned about the ways the modern woman works. But women also need to understand that men can’t read minds, and so good communication is key. Plus there are a bunch of things guys also don’t like women doing during sex too, so remember that you’re there to please each other as much as you are to please yourself.